?

Log in

[sticky post] Moving to Dreamwidth [Sticky Post]

So since
- LJ completely screwed up one of the main things I'd been paying them for
- and are in the process of breaking another, and more
- and not a lot of my friends post here any more any way

... I've taken my money and my posting to Dreamwidth. Public entries at least will still be cross-posted back to LJ - I'm not sure if that will work for friends-locked entries. [Edit: testing says yes, for now]
See you on the flip side.

(This also means that when my paid time expires you'll start seeing ads on the journal. That's another thing I was paying them not to have, sorry.)

Tags:

Worried about me

Last night / this morning I had what I guess was an actual nightmare, considerably ... more icky than my standard nightly fare of angry-making or struggling-to-control dreams. Additionally for the past 2-3 weeks although my mood is OK several other markers have been in the red:
snipCollapse )

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Photos: Marama's Masquerade

Birthday party at Paravel
Marama masked

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Busana the Starlit Level 9

Champion of Night 5 / Sibeccai 3 / Shadowdancer 1

I thought I had written up this character at the start of the campaign, but apparently not. Busana is one of the more challenging (and challenged) characters I have played from a survivability perspective, rolled ability scores giving a +3 total character as rolled with a 6 CON (boosted to 8 by her race at a trade off of -2 to INT).

In the Arcana Uneathed setting Sibeccai are a humanoid dog/jackal-like race lifted to sentience in times past to serve the giants. Busana displays several traits drawn from this heritage, she is protective, loyal and single-minded in the pursuit of her quests. Presented with another quest she will generally weigh up if it seems more important than her current one and which can be easier set aside for later. As the party is currently trying to prevent the dragon-goddess Tiamat from being summoned into the world ushering in a age of destruction this pretty much always takes precedence, any side-quests undertaken with the intent of bringing them to either a swift resolution or a condition of stability which can later be revisited.

In appearance Busana is a dark-furred Sibeccai with white speckles throughout her fur. She is usually heavily armoured and swathed in veils to shield her sensitive eyes from light, sensitive nose from strong odours, and others from the sight of her sometimes intimidating toothy muzzle. By preference she spends her days napping and relaxing only becoming fully alert and watchful at night, but from long experience easily switches these when required.

Rather reluctantly Busana has found herself the most level-headed and generally socially apt and well spoken (with her whole 10 WIS and 11 CHA!) of a small group of companions. Although her general protective instincts have deepened into a fierce devotion for these few she rarely lets this or her pride in them show. She is similarly stoic about the many times their quest has led them into places uncomfortable for her, not just the oft-found sewers and midden pits but any underground environment or enclosed, claustrophobic space. Preferring to step up and tackle her fears head on Busana often even leads the way into such situations, once a decision has been made or no other path seems practical.
crunchCollapse )

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Photos: End of Exams party

Party at the Slaughterhouse
Dancefloor

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

An emotionally draining day / weekend

Most people are probably aware that over the past going on 24 hours NZ has been hit by another series of major earthquakes starting at very just after midnight Sunday/Monday. I had not long gone to bed when it hit so after about 10 seconds of "aftershock" and then ~ 1:20 minutes of "nope, crap, that's a BIG quake inland just getting here" and some minutes on FB checking that no-one in Christchurch itself was reporting major issues I went off to sleep, thus not seeing the tsunami warning and evacuation notices (which didn't affect me anyway) until checking again during a wake around 4am. I figured if anyone needed transport or to shelter at my place I would get a message or txt directly so I slept for another few hours, starting the day feeling not significantly tireder than usual. That wasn't to last.

Fortunately I had already booked the day off work to recover from attending a 48 hour charity event over the weekend (more on that below). The first hour or so I spent touching base with various people by FB and phone before starting on my pre-existing chores list. I didn't get through as much of this as hoped - a somewhat overdue cleaning of the bathroom leaving me physically exhausted and attempting to set the ball rolling on a safety inspection of the Hall further soaked up energy. I eventually spent 2-3 hours napping - in part to shut down some nervous energy and generalised anxiety - before setting out to help a friend with transport and hugs, do the grocery shopping and after a simple dinner deliver some care packages. (One of which had already been on my to-do list but which under the circumstances I bulked up a bit more ;) ) I could tell that I probably shouldn't be driving well before I got home, and if I wasn't waiting for a better time to take my meds I would be back in bed already.

~~~
Friday / Saturday I spent about 24 hours total at SAGA's now-annual 48-hour gaming event to raise money for charity (this year AVIVA). I'll just copy and paste from my FB statuses here ...

---
Saturday 4:30pm
Plays so far:
Colony Wars (obliterated by Daniel Starky's base spam strategy)
Thurn & Taxis (resounding win)
Dominion w. Prosperity (barely last but a long way from the winner)
Broken Eagle the Learned Nano who Combines Words of Power is about to set out into the world of Numenera in search of greater knowledge.

Saturday 10:50pm
After Numenera finished off for the day with a game of Tiny Kingdoms. Didn't do particularly well but probably OK for a first time.
I'd liked to have stayed longer but it is patently obvious that it would be a very bad Idea. If I can get a good sleep tonight I may be able to stay later tomorrow night.

Sunday 3:20am
Didn't get to games until after 2pm but then stayed somewhat longer than expected. Still 3am is no later than I get home from a good party. Cat seems unimpressed by my long absence.
Plays today (pretty sure I have forgotten something)
Tiny Epic Kingdoms
Settlers of Catan
DC Heroes
Colony Wars
Zombie Dice
Biblios
Kingsburg
Seven Wonders
Istanbul (new)
---

... preliminary reports are that we raised well over $1000 if everyone comes through on their pledges. I enjoyed myself - overly much so without really realising it, on the Friday in particular which left me stuck in bed until much later than I had planned on Saturday. I did spend more time and energy than I had hoped taking the lead in deciding on and teaching games; the teaching not so much of a problem (I was actually recommended, to my face, and later even messaged thanks for the fun time someone had as a result). I also made sure one person who probably otherwise would not have made it but I knew would benefit greatly from getting out of the house got both there and home.

As always I experienced more downtime between games than I would have liked, but I had gone prepared for that also with things to do.

Sunday afternoon (you noticed the status update at 3:20AM above?) was spent on a few chores and Sunday evening instead of my usual game we chilled and watched Guardians of the Galaxy which a couple of our members had missed at the theatre. (I am really enjoying the new projector.) I actually went to bed feeling uncommonly relaxed and happy ... and then the quake hit.

~~~
That has filled in the time nicely; shortly I will be abed and hopefully will feel much better in the morning. Because otherwise I am /not/ looking forward to work tomorrow.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The lie about being a burden

This is something I wrote to someone who is finding everything too much at the moment. I have been asked to make it more widely available - if you feel it would help someone please feel free to share it. If that is the post, please use the Dreamwidth version. Link at bottom if you are reading this on LiveJournal.

~~~
I don't know you very well, we've maybe spoken a couple of times at parties and other than that only what I see on FB. But I'd like to share something I've learnt in times like these - we're /taught/ that it's a bad thing to be a "burden" but that's a lie. People will happily carry something (or someone) they see value in. Additionally the context always seems to consider the weight as if it all has to be borne by /one/ person. This is also false.

Sometimes we just have to accept little bits of ourselves being carried by different people as, when and how they can. And life is a complicated beast so sometimes individual people have to set down the responsibility or they (and we) have to let it pass to a different person.

And yes sometimes it feels that we are the only one left to carry our own weight with no hope of respite, and that can be a terrible, crushing, soul destroying feeling. But it is never, ever true. Sometimes we do drop pieces of ourselves along the trail, or cannibalise our ability to care about something to make it through another day. There is always hope. There is always another day. Someone will smile at us, even a stranger in the street, or comment on something we post and the weight will lift a little.

We all become a burden at some point in our lives. I believe it is just part of the human learning experience. When we come out the other side - granted not all do and every one of those is a loss worth grieving - we are better prepared and equipped to carry not only ourselves forward but others as well, strength permitting.

The comments on this post show you have a lot of people who see value in you, even if you don't, can't believe it right now. I certainly do even if all I have to offer are my words. They are willing to lift and carry you for a while. Trust them. Lie back and ride the crowd. Rest. Be well.
~~~

As a bonus here is a something else hopefully uplifting another of my friends shared.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Solar panel math for October(ish)

Produced 332 units
Exported 147 units (@ 7c/unit)
---
Used 195 units (saving 29.18c/unit)

Total reduction in power bill = $67.19

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Run down and ragged (again)

When I first started intending to write this post it was as good news. That was a couple of weeks ago when I had leveraged cat-sitting for a friend into sufficient motivation to get out of bed at a good time in the morning several days in a row. I had also taken the week off gaming at SAGA to be home with cats which actually freed up 8-10 hours of time; some of which I spent working from home (light stuff) but much of which was just pressure-free. It is notable how much lighter I felt just not feeling that I "needed" / was expected to be at gaming those nights.

it"s all downhill from hereCollapse )

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Photos: Dread Fort Halloween party

Featuring Fur and Fire, not at the same time
Dancefloor

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Solar panel math for September(ish)

Produced 224 units
Exported 63 units (@ 10c/unit)
---
Used 161 units (saving 29.18c/unit)

Total reduction in power bill = $50.58

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Photos: Return to Academia party

A smattering of photos from this event
Dancefloor

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Photos: Paravel Flatmate-warming

Photos mostly fire


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Today in not following the Doctor's advice

With my mood OK I talked today to the Dr about my over-sleeping issues. Under the previous anti-depressants they were starting to come "right" but when I switched back to the Citalopram along with an effect like having say the top 5% (less than that) of my brainpower switched back on my dreams again became more vivid and frequent, my sleep got worse and my over-sleeping went right back to 10-12 hours a day.

I've been tracking my time over the past couple of months, here's a summary of August.
Pie chart shows sleep taking up about 46% of time

To save you doing the math that big brown section represents about 45.8% of my month. Other areas of my time-spend in August were atypical, but not that one.

His serious advice was to take up drinking coffee to keep me out of bed in the morning. Well that's not happening; apart from the fact that the mere smell of coffee makes me nauseous I haven't made it to this age without picking up a stimulant habit to start now.

I know a big part of the issue is psychological but I had hoped I might be able to kick-start myself out of the loop with a change in medication. He has prescribed a melatonin supplement ("Circadin®") to see if that will shake up my circadian rhythm. It's non-funded so I'm paying full cost but I am fortunately in the position that the relatively insignificant cost (compared to say cancer drugs) is not an issue.

I get the feeling any effect is most likely to be placeboic, but if that gives me the spoons to not give into the enticement to crawl back into bed "for just a short time" each morning then it works.

(With a full day ahead of me I did manage to drag myself up at 8:30am this morning; and true to form I have had a very productive day as a result.)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Solar panel math for August(ish)

Produced 206 units
Exported 46 units (@ 10c/unit)
---
Used 160 units (saving 29.18c/unit)

Total reduction in power bill = $51.29

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Photos: 48 Hour party

Annual 48 Hour party event
Ppl

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

2016 48 hour party post

This year I hosted the 48 [crosses off non-existent bucket list]. Much has been made of this but for me it was a relatively straightforward matter snipCollapse )

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Photos: Shindig

A small event for visiting Karine
In the kitchen

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Where am I?

Monday was a good day. Normally Monday is the day I "allow" myself to sleep in but I had arranged to take two friends to a morning showing of Ghostbusters so I had immutable reason to actually get up. (It still took some effort, but only half an hour after the alarm went off.) After the movie (very good) I was still able to get to work no later than I often have been recently and work solidly through the rest of the afternoon, getting home just in time for gaming. I did not feel unduly exhausted at the end of the day.

Monday was one of those days which prove that I do still have the ability to do a whole day with minimal side effects. I went to bed positive about my ability to springboard off this success to have a productive day Tuesday ...

... and indeed I was up at 7am to go to the toilet and thisclose to staying up. But as so often happens I fell for the same lie from my brain that traps me time and time again; it would be fine to hop back into bed long enough to catch up on the nights happenings using my phone. That would be one thing ticked off the list of things to do for the day, then I would be ready to shower, breakfast etc ...

... and then the usual thing happened and it was after 11am and yet another unpleasant dream by the time I actually managed to drag my frustrated self back out of bed, through the "morning" routine and off to work.

4 hours productivity lost. There are so many of the things I want to get done that just one of could easily have fitted in that time.

Today (Wednesday) wasn't much better for starting, except that I didn't even get out of bed at 7 to go to the bathroom. This mornings dream had a bunch of new unpleasantness for me to boot.

- it was in parts an out-of-control-vehicle dream but where in these dreams I am usually driving my own car this time I had stolen or "borrowed" it. (I was re-parking it somewhere in the vicinity of where I got it from).
- some of the dream I was talking to a counsellor, then running late to get to my usual monthly psych session because of it (via phone half-an-hour after I was supposed to be there we postponed). I do not recall my counselling ever appearing in a dream before.
- some of it I was running down the road / sitting in the pavement crying because I knew the car-stealing thing was so out of character for me and screaming "what is wrong with me?". This is also completely new to my recall.

It was also in parts a
- not having the strength to pull myself up dream,
- a back-at-university and not able to find my timetable / where I was supposed to be dream

There were a few positive bits but they don't seem to have fit into the overall narrative, like side-tracks my mind followed briefly.

Once I got to work today I put in a 7+ hour stint without too much trouble. I've been doing this one or two evenings a week for a while now, on nights I don't have a fixed commitment, staying on until 6:30 / 7 / 8 after getting in after midday. It's the only way I've been keeping my hours up where I want them to be, it's also more proof that I am /able/ to do this much work. I would /rather/ be starting earlier in the day but if my system won't let me it'll just have to happen in the evening.

It's not even that I don't want to be at work. I /do/. There are a /lot/ of projects particularly in-house ones I /want/ to get stuck into. The morning problem seems to be something to do with the whole idea of having to /go/ to work. Like "I'm going to get out of bed and them I'm going to go through this routine and then I'm going to be at work for the rest of the day and that means I'm not going to get anything else done anyway so I'm just going to lie here and get even less done".

(I know trying to work from home won't cut it at this point. That would be a bullet to my work productivity.)

I felt I was making some progress earlier in the year by making morning time me-time for getting things done around the house / off my project list but that fell by the wayside. I'm hopeful I may be able to pick it up again as the days get longer ans my get-up time in the past has been closely linked with the sun reaching a certain point.

I had a morning go-for-a-walk buddy for a while but they are currently a night-owl and much happier that way :)

I've tried setting up mental associations / triggers to stop myself gong back to bed in the mornings if I get up at about the right time; but my brain always seems to find a way around them.

The current drugs presumably are helping with my mood but are not doing anything about my sleep - they may even be making that worse. The previous ones were helping with my sleep but messing with other things to the point that they triggered a physical, emotional and mental rejection. Next month I'll probably ask to try something new (don't want to mess with prescriptions right now; need my headspace to be a known quantity for upcoming commitments).

I do not physically /need/ to be spending 10-12 hours a day in bed. My stamina levels for physical activity have dropped (probably as a a result of, not a cause of), but not that far. I do not /want/ to be spending 10-12 hours a day in bed. It is stopping me doing things I /do/ want to do. It is denying me the chance to enjoy the sunshine for more than the 30 minutes trip to work around midday.

Every night I go to bed hoping, planning, determined to do better the next day. I know I /can/ ... I just don't know /how/.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Photos: KAOS Slave Auction

Annual "Slave" Auction to raise funds for the 48 Hour Party
Ladies, please

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth.
Comment here or there as you prefer.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tags:

Latest Month

December 2016
S M T W T F S
    123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

Tags

Syndicate

RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by chasethestars